I live in a madhouse ruled by a tiny army that I made myself.

Some things are better left unsaid which I generally realize after I have said themKitchen Towel

Instead of "single" as my relationship status, I prefer "Independently Owned and Operated."

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child... Do they just show up? Or is there like a number to call?Kitchen Towel

I May Be Wrong but I Doubt ItKitchen Towel

I have a ton of excitement in my life. (I used to call it stress, but I feel much better now that I call it excitement.)

Yes. I am still in my pajamas. What did I accomplish today? The kids are still alive. Say thank you. Now say I'm pretty.

Oh Relax Obviously Nothing Is Under Control Kitchen Towel

When you hear a southern girl yell, "Oh, Hell no!" you'd better run.

Remember, as far as everyone knows we are a normal family

I'll have a cafe-mocha-vodka-valium-latte to go, please.

Come here you giant cup of beautiful coffee and lie to me about how much we are going to get done today.

Yes, I can still party like an absolute rock star. However, it would appear that I cannot recover like one.

I accidentally sent my husband the kissy face emoji instead of the angry face, and now he thinks I like him.

I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry.

Lord Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth AmenKitchen Towel

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyesKitchen Towel

Wash your hands and say your prayers, because Jesus and germs are everywhere

Motherhood. You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes from a tree. That makes chocolate a plant. Therefore, chocolate counts as a salad. The End.

To me, "drink responsibly" means DON'T SPILL IT.

Careful, Free Range Children.

Kitchen for display only

My kids laugh because they think I'm crazy, I laugh because they don't know it's hereditaryKitchen Towel